Haze
by ShannynFaucheux
Summary: Haze of the mind , burning of a heroin needle. Smell of 'red' still lingers on the bed sheets,as we take a trip on the cloudy mind of Osamu Dazai , the disqualified one. Philosophical triggers and a depressed persona are what you will find in this work.
1. Disqualified One

Chapter One _\- Disqualified One_

* * *

He was a deep man. His thoughts were deep , his love too.

Or maybe he was just low. Yes , he was 'the lowest' when it came to being a human. He often thought about that. He himself disqualified this deep but rather low-spirited human , from being a human. Dazai Osamu , without a hand of his beloved , never felt like anyone. Or 'anything' for that matter. He was crushed against between his satirically pathetic past and choking pit of deep contemplations , which were made –usually in front of a mirror or a wall, depending on the day and luck – with the thoughts of him despairing and laughing creeply for the absurdity of existence itself , Dazai-

Felt the gratitude which comes with a cup of coffee after a long day's work,

Smelled the fine flavour of ''red'',

Saw an hope that was just.. sweet.

All in one person.

A human.

Nakahara.


	2. A Kind Smile

( Chapter Two – **A Kind Smile** : P1 )

* * *

A kind smile. .

Those were the only words Dazai needed to describe Nakahara Chuuya. In contrast to the now darkening room and the sound of a woeful shamisen that was lingering into air , a soothing presence almost mockingly settled himself beside Dazai ;

'' So I guess you have been here all day ? ''

In those two purplish seconds Dazai seized every feature of him , cherished it and put it in a flavescent case. This affair followed a nod from the non-human and an urge to carry this weak conversation on from Chuuya ;

'' Anything new then ? I mean there '' This time , mocking for real , the redhead pointed out the mirror that Dazai has been sitting in front of for a considerable amount of time.

Dazai was never really annoyed by his sardonic remarks. This wasn't the same for the other Port Mafia member though..

Now two pairs of weary eyes were staring into the large mirror. First blue pair was looking uncharacteristically vacant due to exhaustion but the other brown quite seriously seeked for answers.

Like a tiger coming for his prey , Dazai stepwise crept towards the mirror. In that moment any other human being would be taken aback by this brown haired mafia member's strange behaviour, but just like Dazai wasn't frustrated by Chuuya's insults and swearing , Chuuya was familiar with his partner's craziness. So he just stayed there while Dazai almost glued his face to the mirror and stared for a good couple of minutes. Then he pulled himself back ;

'' No. Everything's the same.'' Dazai answered flatly. That annoyed the hell out of Chuuya of course but he was more annoyed by that never ending shamisen melody that was coming from Dazai's –by Chuuya's words- OLD AS F*CK radio. So he rose to his feet to turn off the radio. '' Your music taste is making me cringe Dazai '' he said as he pressed the red 'pause' button.

'' You cringe at almost everything about me Chu.'' Dazai responded back with a '' I love listening to that broadcast why did u turned it off chu chu ? '' look.

'' Yeah you're right. Your voice doesn't really help either '' Chuuya ignored ''the look ''. The two remained silent for five minutes as Chuuya changed into a dark green tracksuit and even though Dazai L-O-A-T-H-E-D that so called 'clothing' , he still watched his beloved with loving eyes. After Chuuya was finished he stared back at him ;

-'' You're creepy ''

-'' I know ''

-'' Did you ate anything ? ''

-'' I had a toast ''

-'' When ? ''

-'' … I don't remember ''

Chuuya snapped. '' JEESUS F*ckn christ Dazai I don't get why don't you f*cken look after your f*cken-self , geez ,you better have something to cook in your f*ckin' kitchen'' Chuuya scolded Dazai rather loudly. However his sudden outburst only made Dazai laugh which happened so rarely that Chuuya decided to just go to kitchen and cook something for them.

* * *

( Chapter Two – **A Kind Smile** : P2 )

After some time , Dazai appeared at the doorway. He wasn't laughing anymore and that familiar look of melanchony was invading his hazel eyes again. He was looking at Chuuya but he was also far away. Seeing that expression , illuminated with a crappy ampoule, which added more 'sickness' to his look than he already has, one could only describe it as 'painful' . But Chuuya didn't want to do that and he had good reasons to not to.

* * *

When they were both thirteen or so , Chuuya asked Dazai why he always looked so 'hurt'. Chuuya was good with words , another talent from birth, but he couldn't come up with a better word. He always loved Dazai , they grew up together. He never really wanted to make him angry –no one would want that - . However ,Dazai's silent demeanor and his love for solitude has always been a subject of inquiry for Chuuya. Thus , the question came off quite awkwardly. Despite their ages , Dazai was understanding at such question , or so Chuuya thought at first ;

'' I can't stop it '' That was it. No thinking , no stuttering.

'' I am sorry '' He also added silently. Chuuya also apologised at least two hundred times and for two hundred times he got the same response ; '' I don't mind , you don't have to apologise '' with a forced smile.

Clearly , being an ability user didn't helped him in the faintest as Chuuya missed all signs and Dazai hated on himself and eventually cut himself for months . In the end ,with some insight from Kouyou , he –rather forcefully – faced Dazai even fought him and almost ripped off his clothes finally to see lines of angry red , some of them fresh . At that moment he , with a terrifying speed , grasped how broken Dazai and even he himself actually was. And what their situation was. At that moment he looked at Dazai with a petrified look , but Dazai looked like he was far away..

As for Dazai , being an ability user and a 'prodigy' –as some people called him- clearly didn't helped him too. When he got such a question from the ONLY person he loved, for it was Chuuya who taught Dazai how to 'love' and described some of the emotions he couldn't feel at all , with such a poetic language , deep inside he felt a brand new emotion that he rather unknowingly labeled as 'self-loathe'.

* * *

And three years later , in the same location , instead of giving him a 'pity look' that he hated , Chuuya turned his back to Dazai and put the rice on the stove ;

'' Yes , Dazai ? ''

''Chuuya , would you sing for us ? ''

It wasn't anything new. Chuuya turned and looked at Dazai , foolishly hoping to see that laughing face earlier , instead he saw a melanchony that was painted in an angry red , and more than that , even though Dazai was just in front of him , he looked so far away ;

'' Which song do you want ? ''

'' The one that Kouyou-san always sang when we were children''

'' Oh that one . ''

* * *

Shamisen : A three stringed instrument that highly recommended for you readers to listen to

'' That Song '' : ''お山の細道 '' just copy and paste the name to listen


End file.
